6: are snakes just neck?
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there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Best spot.. 😅
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]