6: are snakes just neck?
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oh no, steve’s working tonight
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
I hate when that happens.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me