6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Spotted in the wild
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
