6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Left at a local drug store…
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
