6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
