6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
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*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
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*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
My dad is at it again
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pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
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murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”