Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

I tuxedo what I tuxewant.

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar