Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*

Me: Nice work with picking a random password.

Wife: It’s our anniversary.

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

yea so i messed up lol

[Biologists naming Eels]

b1: ocean sneks

b2: bitey noodles?

b3: what do the dolphins call them again?

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor: