6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
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I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
oh you wanna fight?!
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Britain be like
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?