Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”

Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.

When they try to steal your moment.

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.