6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
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I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Same pineapple, same
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said