I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
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My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.