Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.

Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

Me: I love the 90s!

Grandparents: we have names

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

[1907. the first convenience store opens]

GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”