Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
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Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
If I learned anything from Forest Gump it’s that people who love to run are retarded.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.