6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
You Might Also Like
How high do the levels go?
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
“i am a sweet baby”
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.