6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
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2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
this isn’t threatening at all
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.