Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it