6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
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Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”