Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

me watching my own Instagram story

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

Police: Sir, you account is hacked.

Me: Twitter?

Police: No, bank account.

Me: Oh, thank god !!

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity

Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.