Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!

Said No Man Ever

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍

“Do you have vegan options?”

“I’m a black belt in tofu!”

death: it’s your time

me: in my dying era

death: what

me: going ghost mode

death: stop

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.

ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*