6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
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Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Happy thanksgiving!
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.