Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

That’s amazing can I get a bud light please

Did…did a minotaur write this

Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

No. YOU-buprofen.

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.