6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
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What Bob, you’re interrupting.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“