6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
You Might Also Like
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas