6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
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Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
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If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine