Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?

“Queuecumbers”.

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

ATMs should have breathalyzers

My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.

I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

*at the vet*

me: my new cat won’t stop hissing

vet: ma’am this is a cockroach

me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off

People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?