6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
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People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
*lint rolls you awake*
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.