6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
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My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.