6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
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Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?