6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
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Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Bros before Ohioes
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.