Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
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Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
The best shot in the history of golf
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it