6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
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I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up