6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
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The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
