Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

lmfao come on

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*

How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.

it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS

Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative

The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.