6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
You Might Also Like
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.
As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.