6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
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Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.