6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
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i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9