$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
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Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house