Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

Why do meteors always land in craters?

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

Kids: Stay in school.

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

*brings therapist to family gathering*

Me: See?

Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:

“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”

My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!

Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit