*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
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When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
#have a #great #PancakeDay
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Tapped in
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.