6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
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i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”