6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
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Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Monday?
No. Next question.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Here’s a meme
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
