6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
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I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Ok team, today we’re …..oh