Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

“Are you religious?”

Bro I don’t even believe in myself

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

Not helping

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall

King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers