Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any

me: that’s how good they are

customer: the cage door is open

me: *looking around nervously* oh no

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

*skinny dips into black hole

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere