6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
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Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that