@Kids_kubed

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

- @Kids_kubed

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@Busocco

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

@ticknada

Cops: You were driving while intoxicated

Me: I was in no condition to walk

@thatdutchperson

DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.

ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*

@grimpossible

Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.

@CulturedRuffian

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

@fat_sket

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

@jonnysun

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

@TrevWall

we all know who started this Dominos & Papa Johns beef

@sixfootcandy

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

@mrjohndarby

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless