Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister