6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
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FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself