Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

dads on road-trips be like

Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.

He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.

Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”

Thought “alright musical theatre queen”

Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.