6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
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How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Lmao the reply
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.