6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
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Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom