6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
You Might Also Like
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
no one ever comes back
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”