6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
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I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.