6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
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ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I’m Sold!
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Sponch
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*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
#Caturday
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The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
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Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s![]()
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening