Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

Self-cleaning conscience

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*

Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.