Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

need a new bf mines broken 😐

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

Don’t get angry…

…get pizza.

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.