Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.

That earthquake could have been an email.

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

[Hospital]

Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition

*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

You had me at “define legal”.

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

“Today is chest and leg day!”

-me, ordering at KFC

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work