Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.

ME: I’m.

HER: Check please!

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]