Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?

Me: Which one helps with reflux?

Remember folks 😂

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money