Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.