Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.