Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

Mary Jane: So…know what today is?

Spider-Man: Um…no.

MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.

Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.

MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

When I grow up, I want to be 16

My biological clock is wheezing.

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.