6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
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Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.