6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
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Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.