6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
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the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Ah..makes sense now
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.