6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
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*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*