Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”

Guy: “It’s completely full.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower