Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis

No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

What do we want?!

A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!

When do we want it?!

NOW!

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…

Pat is about to own someone

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…