Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people are glistening beacons of nope.

me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.

*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

Well, this is awkward

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

My background check bounced.