6. me as a lawyer
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You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
A ghost story
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.