6. me as a lawyer
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I’m calling the cops.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
