Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture

CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

How do you like your Corgi?

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”