*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
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*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I’m not a superstitious person but I will never say “bloody Mary” 3 times in front of a mirror. I’m not chancing that shit