*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
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Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.