The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
6: Mom, I’m going to be a Navy pilot or a SEAL. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to work at Subway.
It’s all about the backup plan, people.
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How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: wait shit
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Gay test: are you gay ?
If you answered yes, then you’re gay.