6: Mom, I’m going to be a Navy pilot or a SEAL. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to work at Subway.

It’s all about the backup plan, people.

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The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.


How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.


5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.


I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.


[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right


starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic




starbucks: wait shit


I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.


You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!