Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

tinder is all about the long game

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro

Pal: I think you mean…

Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…

I’m not wrong

Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”

Thought “alright musical theatre queen”

Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x